this morning at the park, i got out of my car, walked about 20 feet, realized i hadn’t put on any sunscreen, turned around, prayed i still had some in the center console, was delighted to find i did, and then u know wtf i did. i slathered it on my face and tossed it back in the car. like an idiot.
so after two hours of gallivanting around with exposed, unprotected limbs in the gd sun, of course i am burnt. badly. and it hurts. and i know that in the grand scheme (or any scheme, really) of things, this is a nonevent. but this is a blog about mental health, and once my burns blossomed into their full carcinogenic glory, the catastrophizing began.
all my brain needs is a single kernel of Bad to make a giant tub of Depression Popcorn, and let me tell you i could feed a multiplex rn
first, there was the agonizing regret of being so. close. to avoiding this—the sunscreen was literally there iN MY HANDDDSSSS. why did i think my face?? was the ONLY?? thing THatTT WOuld BURNNN????? i am truly incensed by that decision wow
the regret swiftly became deep, deep self-loathing. i am a fully grown adult (…who started an entire website just so she could publish her whining…as any adult would…) and i can’t even properly apply sunscreen. how many times do i have to get burnt for me to figure this out?? am i really this stupid? honestly, this invalidates any smart thing i have ever done. if i can’t get this one basic thing right, there is absolutely no hope for me.
then from my self-loathing came my brain’s “”””””solutions”””””””:
- never enjoy the outdoors again
- in fact, never leave your house again
- you know what, maybe don’t talk to anyone ever again
- cool now what form of self-harm would you like to try this time:
- neglect all your work today to sabotage your whole week?
- skip a meal or two?
- destroy four years of abstinence from alcohol because you got a mfing sunburn you idiot?
…
i took a cool shower, made myself a burrito, and stress-chugged two cans of seltzer instead.
the hardest part about catastrophic thinking is that it happens so quickly. one second you notice a sunburn, and the next you are pledging to be a hermit for eternity. and the hardest part about being in therapy for over a decade is that i know how to mitigate those thoughts, but sometimes i just can’t do it in time. and then i get even more upset with myself because i didn’t do the coping mechanism ~perfectly~. (i know)
in a ~perfect~ world, ~before~ i considered relapsing, i would have gently explained to myself:
while the sunburn and my pride hurt now, the pain will go away. and while i FOR SURE regret today’s sunscreen choice, i made a lot of responsible choices today that i don’t regret. like this third can of seltzer i just opened. and as much as i hate to admit it, no one can make the right choice every single time, and that includes me.
ugh oh well. maybe i’ll nail it at the next minor inconvenience