well, clearly i gave up on the whole thursday/sunday posting routine. i was afraid this would happen. i was afraid that, once again, i would get super excited about an idea, fling myself into it head-first, crush it for a little bit, and then get tired and eventually stop.
i feel like i give up a lot. especially since i’ve gotten sober. and i don’t like it.
to my brain, i need to wake up in the morning, effortlessly motivated for a day that ~*nEveR fEeLs LikE wOrK*~ because it is totally fulfilling and exciting all of the time. intellectually, i know that is not a thing. but perfectionism-ly, i believe it must be a thing, so when i struggle with anything at all, i jump ship because struggle does not happen in my perfect fantasy life that i need to have or else.
this whole thought process reminds me of this WILD quote from the 1913 classic, The Narcotic Drug Diseases and Allied Ailments: Pathology, Pathogenesis, and Treatment by George E. Pettey (emphasis by moi):
If the purposes and conduct of those who take up the use of narcotic as a dissipation be analyzed, it will be found that selfishness lies at the center of most of their actions; in fact, their lives are self-centered. Everything points to something for themselves. They live for the gratification of the present moment, almost exclusively.
Persons of this type have so little moral purpose, so little kindness, and so little care for anything but themselves that they are unwilling to suffer even for one moment. If the slightest ailment occurs they consider it the most important thing in life, and as it affects them it appears to them to be a mountain and must be relieved at once at all hazards.
yes, thank you, ironically-named dr. pettey!!!! i AM unwilling to suffer even for one moment!!!!!!!!
(i first saw that quote during a presentation on how people who use drugs have been stigmatized throughout history, so, like, i know it is outdated and has absolutely no place in medical canon BUT ALSO omg i felt so seen lol)
i think my perfectionism drove me to drink because i was constantly thinking, in the face of any minor challenge, “this wouldn’t be happening if i were [adjective]er.” instead of things being hard just because sometimes things are hard, i believed things were hard because i wasn’t good enough in some way. and then when i realized that i was letting every personal inconvenience determine my worth, i hated myself even more because i mean do you HEAR how egomaniacal that is??!?!!!! it’s no wonder i wanted to shut off my brain at that point.
but now i don’t get to shut off my brain. it is very unfortunately 100% on all the damn time. it’s been on for four years straight now, and i still struggle with figuring out whether i am experiencing emotional discomfort or pain. i am working on tolerating the discomfort (and maybe even learning from it!) instead of immediately running away from it. (pain is just always bad. we don’t need pain unless we are talking about Pain. if you are in pain, find a mental health professional and get out of that nonsense.)
for example, do my current sunday scaries just represent some temporary discomfort due to a mediocre job that feels like a time suck but that is helping me achieve other, unrelated goals? or am i experiencing deep psychic pain due to the cumulative effects of capitalism’s pressure on the individual to be constantly productive?
probably both but bc i can’t get rid of capitalism i will instead tolerate my mediocre job : ) that’s growth, baybeeeeeeee