cw: disordered eating
well, the rosiness of my last post didn’t last very long. my anxiety skyrocketed this past week, despite that cute lil commitment i made last sunday to be less scared of life.
to make matters worse, when i realized that this particular round of anxiety was decreasing my appetite, i got excited. it’s like when i got surgery last year – i got a quick freebie high before i was totally sedated. this week i had a mini self-harm high when it occurred to me i had barely eaten all day.
i had a choice: i could make a point to eat proper meals at the proper times and directly address the anxiety causing my urge to starve myself, or i could try to see how few calories i needed to keep me conscious for the rest of the day.
i went with the latter because i am deeply uncomfortable with good things happening to me & truly, at my core, i do not believe i deserve happiness 🙂
anyway, i know that when i get back into these bad habits, telling people what i’m doing always helps me stop. the instant i think of hiding something from a close friend, i know i’m in real trouble. this weekend i told a few friends what was going on and while it didn’t necessarily stop the behavior, it kind of took its power away. i didn’t have a sneaky, self-sabotaging secret anymore.
i think that’s also why i’ve been doing this blog. the only way i’ve been able to cope with the shit in my brain is to put it into words and take a look at it. when fear and anxiety become just letters and punctuation, they’re much more manageable. and when you’re open about your emotions, it kind of holds you accountable to make healthy choices not just for your sake but also for everyone else’s.