it’s way past my bedtime but i don’t want to go another week without making a post because i think that’s a slippery slope.
the past two weeks have been hectic and my grief has been pretty intense at times. i think sometimes i subconsciously crawl into that corner of my brain to escape my anxiety. grief is like a dark, lonely room whereas anxiety is a shifting maze. neither is a particularly comfortable place, but at least in grief i can sit tf down.
it didn’t help that my dead ex’s mom sent me a new article about him last week. and then a friend sent out a link to a new book that has a few pages on him. and i started seeing someone new, which is kicking up a whole lot of shit.
not to mention my eating is still out of whack. this week i had a doctor’s appointment where i was weighed and that was a wake-up call. i’m at my lowest weight probably since college, definitely my lowest since i moved here four years ago. and it’s certainly not from exercise, so it is almost entirely from restricting my food. and of course, now i’m terrified of gaining any of the weight back, even though i can see i am doing harm to my body and my brain. so i’m not sure what to do. i ate more today. i’m not going to bed (too) hungry. that’s a good step i guess.
this weekend i told a few more people what’s going on, still hoping that that would snap me out of it. yesterday i explained to a friend that the part that bothers me the most is that i know my brainpower is suffering as a result, which makes grad school (and, well, everything) more challenging. my intelligence is really key to whatever little self-worth i’ve got at this point, so to handicap myself in that way is pretty f-ing dumb.
to that, my friend said my brain was like a ferrari, and i was not giving it the right gas or something – idk it made sense when he said it because he is a car geek; i forget the exact words, which is like, case in point. i can’t remember anything lately. but i really liked the metaphor even though i know nothing about cars because a) it implies i’m smart and b) it externalizes the problem. now the issue is that i’m not taking care of this outside thing, my ferrari brain, and eating will be a way for me to help my ferrari brain, not to help me. because we don’t want to help me. just my ferrari brain.
we’ll see how i do this week.