regarding my last post, the ferrari is running much better now than it was. with the help of friends and mental health professionals, i got my eating back on track and quieted my inner saboteur (saboteuse?).
i’m really disappointed in myself for neglecting this project for the past month. when i started this blog, my therapist and i agreed that i wouldn’t get hung up on making it perfect and that i would remember i was doing it simply because i enjoy writing. we talked about how i can stop whenever i want because there are no rules. yet here i am, thinking that if i can’t even stick to writing like 400 words a week how am i ever going to do anything of import with my life!!!!!
but i also know life is hard and that missing a few weeks of a self-imposed blogging schedule is not an indication of my value as a human being. i just didn’t even want to be having this discussion with myself. i wanted to be disciplined and do everything…well………perfectly ugh i know i heard it
a big reason i haven’t posted anything recently is that most of my thoughts and feelings lately have been connected to this new person i’m dating, and i cringe at just the thought of him reading this post, let alone a post about my thoughts and feelings connected to him.
it’s also a time thing. i’ve been spending a lot of time with him, which means i have less time for dealing weeps. and that makes me feel like i’m betraying myself, because i’m changing my behavior for someone else. but myself also really likes spending time with him. and myself could use some goddamn serotonin wherever she can find it, you know. so really i’m not changing my behavior for him. i’m changing it for me, and i believe that is called #selfcare.
but then again we don’t *find* time for the things we love, we *make* time. so i’d like to make some time for writing again. i’m going to forgive myself for whatever error i think i made & i’m going to get back in the saddle or on the wagon or in the game or whatever.
maybe this will be good practice in letting go of the shame i have around publicly acknowledging that as a human being i am susceptible to having romantic feelings. lol jk i am absolutely not going to write about that they have to be dead first ok byeeeee