i spent a lot of today creating and then fiddling with a spreadsheet to help me figure out how much money i would like to make in order to cover my expenses vs. how much money i could possibly make without selling my soul. it is a very tricky equation to balance.
i came up with several scenarios, but i have no clue if they are feasible. i want to live in a world where i can be paid a decent wage for the advocacy work i enjoy doing, but i don’t think we live in that world.
i also know i like to juggle 17 different things at once at all times. i think i get bored quickly, so the more i can switch gears in a day the better. does that affect the quality of my work? maybe. but i don’t really care because it’s fun for me and life is supposed to be fun.
our world isn’t built for the juggling kind of lifestyle, though. it’s hard to find a good, stable part-time job that pays well AND comes with decent benefits AND doesn’t suck the life out of you. i happen to have a gig like that now, but the part-time-ness is contingent on me being in school. and i think they think i’m getting my degree this fall. i’m not lol. so either i have to convince them that my position doesn’t need to be full-time at all or i have to find a deal as sweet as this one elsewhere. ideally, i would have a nice cushy part-time real-world job to complement the advocacy job but have all the jobs only add up to 40 hours (or less) a week. a girl can dream ok!!!!!??
then there’s the matter of school. last week, i decided with my academic advisor that i would get through my one class this semester and then not take any classes over the summer. then i could quit my job at the end of august, be a full-time student for the fall semester, do a co-op jan-jul, and then do a final full-time semester to get my degree. but that is so much time and work and money for a degree that i am feeling more and more has nothing to do with the things i want to do professionally.
the reasons i wanted to start this degree program were: a) i liked the little bit of coding i had learned and figured if i learned more i could earn more $$$$; b) this new tech institute opened up and was giving out lots of scholarship money so it felt like there was minimal financial risk; c) i felt ready for a challenge. and then secretly there was d) i wanted to brag about having a masters degree and e) i felt pressure to keep ~*achieving*~. if you’re not achieving, what are you doing????? according to linkedin, absolutely nothing & all your peers have noticed that you are not living up to your ivy league potential, how sad!
so now i feel like shit for wanting to give up. but i also have to remember that i experienced a real earth-shattering turning point in my life a week into my very first semester. now that i look back on that, i can’t believe i got through the first year, let alone that first semester.
his death completely shifted my perspective on, well, everything, so it’s no wonder my feelings about school have changed. now that i think about it, he didn’t finish his masters, and no one is like, “wow, he really should have stayed in school” or “what a shame he didn’t get that second degree.” uh, no. it’s “wow, this is unbelievably tragic” and “i wish i had had more time with him.” people discuss his accomplishments, not his pedigree.
i also feel like he did and didn’t do a lot of things purely based on how he thought he would be perceived. i’m mostly thinking of the things he didn’t do, like admit he needed to dedicate more time to his recovery. he suffered a lot just to appear like he had it all together.
i, on the other hand, will tell anyone who makes eye contact with me how much i do not have it all together. so i’m not sure why i feel like i will be perceived as a quitter or a dummy if i leave this program. people will probably be like, “yeah, that tracks. she found an alternate way to deal with her life and she seems happy about it.” actually, people will probably be like, “ok.” forgive my main character energy there. no one cares what i do with my life and that is a blessing.
anyway, this is turning into a whole thesis. i’ve just been thinking a lot about whether the way i spend my time, energy, and money aligns with my values and goals. i want to make the world a better place blah blah blah and now that i know more about comp sci, i don’t think that’s the way i’m going to accomplish that.