i have this obsession with time that i could really do without. you know, it’s that idea that you’re supposed to achieve certain milestones by certain times in your life, and if you’re off track, you risk being ostracized by society forever. it’s like there’s some standard timeline we’re all supposed to follow OR ELSE.
well, grief is really messing with my timeline. for example, this blog post is not supposed to happen. maybe it could have happened six months ago, but not now, nope. if i were grieving a family member, sure. a best friend, definitely. a partner, absolutely. but an ex? from two years ago? according to my calculations, i was supposed to shut tf up about this a while ago.
my left brain is like, “you were technically together for less than a year, he was using drugs and not himself for the majority of the time you knew him, and you hadn’t seen him in person for over a year when he died. i know you’re sad but like…………….”
and my right brain is like, “bUt We LoOoOVeD hiM 🙁 🙁 🙁 “
i had actually been feeling a welcome reprieve from the grief lately, as in i hadn’t sobbed about his death for a few weeks. but today, i walked into my doctor’s office, sat down in the waiting room, and was SLAMMED with this super intense and specific memory of him. i sat there for a few minutes, choked up, wondering if i was going to absolutely lose it in front of a handful of masked strangers.
then the medical assistant called my name, led me to the exam room, asked me questions about this cough my body refuses to kick, took my vitals, and left. across from my seat, there was a flyer about recovery services on the cabinet. recovery being my shit, i got up to look at it.
it looked a little dated, like i think it had a stock photo of someone in a hoodie with the hood up (because that’s the universal symbol for someone who needs a recovery group????). i read some of it, was happy that it didn’t use stigmatizing language, and turned to go back to my chair. then i wondered if this was as old as…let’s see who…yep, my dead ex was the contact person listed.
so i burst into tears and cried for a lil bit, which is a very cool way to spend those very long minutes between getting to the exam room and seeing the doctor.
when my doctor came in, i mentioned to her that his name was still on the flyer and that my current runny nose was from crying, not a new symptom. she said that the room had been used exclusively for virtual visits until more recently, and that she was conflicted about what to do with the flyer now. she asked for my opinion. instinctively, i suggested making a new one, thinking practically that the flyer should have the correct contact information. then she said it just felt so final to take it down. i don’t know if she was just being sensitive for my sake, but i’m choosing to believe that she was genuinely hesitant to take it down.
he left that job in 2019. to my doctor, he’s a former coworker from two and a half years ago, not a family member or a friend or a partner or an ex, and she still thought it felt too final to take down an old flyer with his name on it.
the whole thing reminded me that loss does not give a shit about our timelines or our labels. i can count and recount the days since we broke up or the days since he died, but the numbers will have no bearing on how i feel today or tomorrow. there’s no use scheduling a milestone on my timeline for when i Get Over It.
in fact, friends……..maybe there’s no use in scheduling milestones
✨✨✨at all✨✨✨