a few days ago, my ex’s mom told me that one of her friends went to a medium who said my ex’s feet have finally been released from cinderblocks and that he’s the happiest he’s ever been. she took that to mean he has finally “passed on.”
that made sense to me because i had started to feel like he wasn’t really around anymore. i found myself talking to him less, needing to ask him wtf i should do less, getting ~signals~ from him less. maybe he really had finished his rounds and felt ready to go. i like to think he had successfully guided each of his people to some point of stability or acceptance, thereby finishing his business as a ghost or whatever.
earlier that day, i had told his mom about how he often believed in me more than i believed in myself. for example, i took my first coding class while we were together, and once i told him i was interested in computer science, he emailed his brother saying that i could help him with the website for his new business idea. i knew nothing about making websites at that point and it didn’t end up happening, but that’s how he was with everyone about anything. if you had even the slightest interest in doing something, he would immediately cheer you on.
granted, i do think this trait got him into trouble when it came to his own interests. he often acted on his ideas before anyone else was ready. it’s not that he didn’t think before he acted; on the contrary, i think it was that his brain was so far ahead that the action now was already just the first in a series of things he had to do to accomplish something bigger. i don’t think he ever understood why people hesitate to do things when there is simply so much to be done.
anyway, back to me. i like to think i’ve internalized some of his cheerleading since he died. it could just be the whole “whatever we all die, life is short, do the thing now” of it all, but i think it is more tied to him and his enthusiasm for others. i’ve pushed against some systems recently, and i’m not sure i would have put myself in those situations if it weren’t for his voice in my head telling me to call out bullshit when i see it. or maybe i would have. but it’s a lot easier to do when i can imagine him backing me up.
that’s not to say i don’t still live with a ton of fear. i definitely do. i’ve written about it a lot on here. but i do think the list of things i consider possible is perhaps a bit longer because i had someone that unconditionally supportive in my life, however briefly.
i also had a really weird moment today where i was listening to one of my favorite albums and one of my favorite songs came on and i, a person who does not wish to be married, started thinking about whether it would work as a first dance song (or whatever tf the wedding industrial complex calls it) because it’s pretty depressing, and then i thought about the song that would have been the first dance song if i had married my ex and even though that would have never happened it made me so damn sad because i imagined us dancing to that song in some alternate universe and i kinda really want to be in that universe and oh boy i miss him so so so much