well, it’s been nearly a year since my last post. since i’ve started paying for this domain, i’ve spent more time not using it than using it. and i think that’s ok.
most of why i haven’t been posting is that my deepest darkest bloggiest feelings had to do with my current significant other, and i didn’t really feel like sharing them in real time. maybe i’ll dig into the period of time where i was so convinced i didn’t deserve happiness and wanted to sabotage the entire relationship another time. luckily i feel well past that, and i’m happier than i’ve been in a long time.
and for once i am not imagining the other shoe dropping. i’m not picturing the End Of Things. i’m picturing the Continuing Of Things! it’s taken a lot of work and the picture’s not always so rosy, but generally, i’m into it.
that said, i’m feeling weird tonight because tomorrow is my dead ex’s birthday. and what’s weird is that i hadn’t even realized it until, like, yesterday. he would be turning 31.
i guess i’m confused about why i’m not more upset. i’m noticing that i haven’t been thinking of him very often. it’s been a while since i had a grief attack. a small part of me feels guilty about that, but more of me, honestly, feels relieved. i think it means that i’ve been enjoying the present.